This is what happens when keeping it PG goes wrong
We can all agree that there are just certain things kids shouldn’t experience until they are old enough. Things like: sex, alcohol and Quentin Tarantino films all need to be experienced with caution. But sometimes pieces of pop culture that are meant for adults are so popular that businesses try to create a watered down “family friendly” version. Sometimes this means altering the crudest (and often best) parts out for the kids.. An example of this is the famous edit from The Big Lebowski of Walter’s classical line “Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!” to “Do you see what happens when you fight a stranger in the Alps”
If you’re my age, you grew up knowing about Kidz Bop. Basically, it’s kids poorly karaoking the songs from “NOW! That’s What I Call Music.” Even as a kid, this concept made no sense too me. Why would I listen to kids sing a song when I could just listen to the original version everywhere else? This question troubled me for ages until a couple of years ago when I came across a YouTube video of the Kidz Bop version of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’s “Thrift Shop.” After I heard it, everything made sense.
Kids Bop isn’t for kids. It’s for adults to laugh at kids who are clueless to what they’re signing. If you know anything about Thrift Shop, you know that a 7 year old should not be signing it. But thanks to some Lebowski type edits, this song has become comedy gold. Honestly, I don’t have too many jokes for this one, they kind of write themselves.
Original Lyrics in Blue. (Kids Bop changed lyrics in Red) My opinions in Black
I’m gonna pop some tags (rock some tags)
Only got twenty dollars in my pocket
I – I – I’m hunting, looking for a come-up
This is fucking awesome (This is really awesome)
OK just to start off, why did you have to change pop to rock? I get the the fact that you’ve got to change “fucking” to “really” but this is the verbal equivalent of not letting children do Halloween because it’s “evil.”
Walk up to the club like, “What up? I got a big cock!” (What up? I got a hit song)
The best part about this lyric isn’t the change in words. It’s the fact that they chose a girl to sign this part. Nothing like a 8 year old girl telling everyone how large her… popularity is.
I’m so pumped about some shit from the thrift shop (about some clothes from the thrift shop)
This is a part where they shouldn’t lie to the kids. Yes. It’s shit. That’s why you found it at the thrift shop.
Ice on the fringe, it’s so damn frosty (so so frosty)
That people like, “Damn! That’s a cold ass honkey.” (Hey, The guy on the marquee)
You’re a kid shopping at a thrift store. The only marquee you’ll ever be on is one of those Amber Alert warnings on the highway
Rollin’ in, hella deep, headin’ to the mezzanine, (rollin in, super deep)
Dressed in all pink, ‘cept my gator shoes, those are green
Draped in a leopard mink, girls standin’ next to me
Probably shoulda washed this, smells like R. Kelly’s sheets (smells like my baseball cleats)
Jokes off: Let’s talk about R. Kelly and children for a second. We all know about the recent stories of him detaining young women, but this is a 30 year pattern. The girl he pissed on was underage, he married Aaliyah when she was 15 and his self given nickname is the Pied Piper of R&B. Look up the story of the Pied Piper (Jokes on: No not the Silicone Valley one)
Can someone give R. Kelly the Michael Jackson trail treatment?
Piiisssssssssssss (needless to say this was just replaced with ewwww and then a long silence)
But—shit—it was ninety-nine cents! Bag it (but – hey – it was)
Coppin’ it, washin’ it, ’bout to go and get some compliments
Passin’ up on those moccasins someone else’s been walkin’ in
Bummy and grungy, fuck it, man (????)
I literally can not understand the words. If you understand what was said please tell me in the comment section.
I am stuntin’ and flossin’ and
Savin’ my money and I’m hella happy that’s a bargain, bitch (I’m super happy that’s a bargain, yeah)
No you’re not
I’m a take your grandpa’s style, I’m a take your grandpa’s style,
No, for real. Ask your grandpa. Can I have his hand-me-downs? Thank you
Velour jumpsuit and some house slippers
Dookie brown leather jacket that I found diggin’ (?????? brown leather jacket)
I don’t know exactly what was said but I’m going to pretend its Caca! Which is hilarious for Spanish and English speakers.
They had a broken keyboard, I bought a broken keyboard
I bought a skeet blanket, then I bought a kneeboard (Old blanket)
At some time we’re going to have to tell the kids about the birds and the bees. Maybe masturbation is a good segway. I also had to look up skeet blanket to make sure it was what I though it was… it was
Hello, hello, my ace man, my Mello
John Wayne ain’t got nothing on my fringe game, hell no (dgsdgfsd)
I could take some Pro Wings, make them cool, sell those
The sneaker heads would be like “Aw, he got the Velcros”
What you know about rockin’ a wolf on your noggin?
What you knowin’ about wearin’ a fur fox skin?
I’m digging, I’m digging, I’m searching right through that luggage
One man’s trash, that’s another man’s come-up
Thank your granddad for donating that plaid button-up shirt
‘Cause right now I’m up in her skirt (I’m up in here stunting)
I’m surprised the word “stunting” made the cut for Kidz Bop. “Popping tags” didn’t make it earlier so you can’t assume.
I’m at the Goodwill, you can find me in the Uptons
I’m not, I’m not stuck, I’m searchin’ in that section Uptons
Your grammy, your aunty, your momma, your mammy
I’ll take those flannel zebra jammies, second-hand, I rock that motherfucker (???? awesome)
The built-in onesie with the socks on that motherfucker (really awesome)
I hit the party and they stop in that motherfucker (really awesome)
Up until this point everything has made sense. But after these two really awesome including the really awesome in the chorus, the children might being to suspect something is off with this song.
They be like, “Oh, that Gucci. That’s hella tight.” (really)
At this point the adults are clearly tired coming up with creative alternative and are just using the word “really for everything”
I’m like, “Yo, that’s fifty dollars for a T-shirt.”
Limited edition, let’s do some simple addition
Fifty dollars for a T-shirt – that’s just some ignorant bitch. Shit (that’s just silly overpriced)
These are kids not retail wholesalers. At what point have you ever heard a kid say anything is “silly overpriced.” Here are some alternate examples for the writing staff.
- that’s just an egregious example of price gouging
- that’s just below the marginal benefit when looking at economies of scale
- that’s just..you see the way my bank account is set up
I call that getting swindled and pimped. Shit (swindled and tricked)
I guess the good folks at Kidz Bop aren’t aware that tricked and pimped are basically synonyms
I call that getting tricked by a business
That shirt’s hella dough (really)
Can we get these people a thesaurus
And having the same one as six other people in this club is a hella don’t (major don’t)
Finally a word other than “really”
Peep game, come take a look through my telescope
Tryna get girls from a brand and you hella won’t (man you really won’t)
Fuck it. Never mind